Lessons in Grief
What volunteering at a camp for grieving children taught me about being a foster parent and therapist.
By Hannah Rice
While walking behind a group of teenage girls with backpacks the size and weight of a toddler strapped to them, it hit me - grief is a core part of being a foster parent. It was my fifth summer volunteering with Circle Camps (a free overnight summer camp for girls who have experienced the death of a parent) and I was in the woods of Pennsylvania watching a group of teenagers do something they didn’t think possible - survive in the woods for five days with only what they were carrying on their backs . They were “staying the course” - something that we talk about often in our Foster Village support groups - continuing down the path (or trail) one foot after the other, even when it feels hard or even impossible.
volunteering at a camp for grieving children
Grief and Foster Care
Grief touches every person impacted by the foster care system. A child grieves when they leave their parents, siblings, school, friends, and pets. A family of origin grieves the loss of their child, holidays together, parenting decisions, and pride. A foster parent grieves the loss of their life as they knew it before fostering, the child’s innocence, for the child themselves when the child returns home (which, in foster care, is the goal, when safe and healthy to do so). These are a few examples of how grief and foster care go hand in hand, with loss impacting each person in the constellation.
Grief and Foster Care
The Power of Groups
One of the most powerful parts about Circle Camps is that it is a safe space for young people to talk about their experiences with grief and death with peers who understand. Campers come into Circle knowing that each young person there will have a level of understanding about what it means to experience the death of a parent just as each foster parent comes into a support group knowing the same understanding will be there. Circle time is a formal grief activity where each camper goes around the circle and talks about their grief journey. While a camper is talking, their peers are nodding along, giving snaps, saying “YES” and understanding the experience of this person, because they have been there. The same can be said of support groups for foster parents. There is something powerful to being seen and these opportunities allow for people to feel understood and known. The power of a simple nod while a foster parent (or camper) is talking about a difficult situation or moment can help the speaker feel less alone during an emotionally charged moment.
The Power of Groups
Being Seen
In 2023 Foster Village Charlotte began offering clinical therapy services to foster parents, some of whom had experienced a child reunifying. As I sat with parents who had a child leave their home, I found myself utilizing a lot of lessons I learned at camp. One of the most important lessons I used was that sitting with someone in their grief was the only “to-do” item on the list. Grief isn’t a “fixable” thing, you can’t meditate, or exercise, or self-medicate your way out of it, you have to live through it day-by-day. Some days it will feel less painful and some days it will be debilitating. The hard days become less frequent over time but the pain experienced during hard moments does not diminish. My job as a therapist is to assure grieving parents that there is no right way to grieve and that grief doesn’t happen on a clean timeline and I learned that lesson from my campers.
Grieving Children’s Bill of Rights / Grieving Foster Parent’s Bill of Rights
One activity that each camper does at some point in their journey at Circle is the Grieving Children’s Bill of Rights. This is a document where the campers write about what they need as a young person experiencing grief. While there are variants, some common themes are: let me feel my feelings, let me talk about my parent who died, let me grieve how I need to on my own timeline. I would say that we could all learn some lessons from these girls in this way - and I have unapologetically stolen MANY of their ideas and applied them to the foster care experience. I present to you:
The Grieving Foster Parent’s Bill of Rights
Let a foster parent feel sad . Or happy. Or angry. Or relieved. Or however they want to feel. There is no one feeling that comes with grief and the multitude of emotions are TOTALLY normal, valid, and worth exploring.
If a foster parent is open to it, ask them to tell you about the child they are missing. What are some fun memories together with the child? What do they miss? What do they not miss? When a child leaves a foster parent’s home it can feel awkward to ask about the child for fear of upsetting the foster parent - but I would challenge you to ask and to share your own memories with the child if you have any. If the foster parent seems distressed by talking about the child, follow their lead.
Acknowledge their pain and loss and validate their experience. Sometimes a whole lot can be said with very few words. The power of a nod or expression of understanding extends to this space.
DO NOT minimize their grief. Do not say things like “well you knew they were going to go home”, “this is what you signed up for”, “I thought you were excited for them to go home” - these things could be true AND unhelpful to hear. We all know that our loved ones may someday die - it doesn’t make us any less sad when it happens.
DO NOT ask them about specifics with the case and biological parents. Foster parents aren’t supposed to tell you about these things and it can feel really awkward to try to avoid the questions or change the subject.
The lessons I learn at camp each summer always outweigh the emotional and physical toll of a week backpacking in the woods can take on the body. I continue to grow and be challenged by the resiliency, strength, and determination of the campers I get to know. So I will stay the course behind them, soaking up all the wisdom and bringing it back to my work with others, but more importantly myself.
