Connection Matters: Attachment Practices Within the System
Written by Katie Robinson, LCSW Caregiver Education Specialist
I see you.
I want to be seen by you.
Can I trust you to see me without judgment?
At Foster Village, we know that those are the basic questions we each ask when we are seeking connection with another person, regardless of our age or experience. Connection and attachment are two words that are frequently used in the world of being a foster and kinship caregiver. Healthy attachment simply equates to a connection one human has with another, where one human is able to trust that another human can meet their needs. We see this demonstrated in a crying baby who is soothed by a caregiver or a teenager who expresses frustration, and their trusted adult is able to tolerate those feelings. Our experience with attachment - with being seen and seeing others - plays a vital role in our ability to grow, learn, love, and thrive in our community. This is experienced in a cycle - where a need is expressed and a response is provided. This cycle can be multilayered when a child or adult experiences the foster care system.
As humans who thrive in healthy attachment with others, connecting with a community that “gets it” is vital to your ability to experience healthy attachment and create those opportunities for the children in your care. At Foster Village Charlotte, we continue to explore what it looks like to build a community beyond the systems.
It is also important to understand that healthy attachments aren’t just happening when a need is met, but also when it is unmet but acknowledged. It's honestly unrealistic to think that we can meet a need the correct way 100% of the time! Instead, I find my most meaningful connections are ones in which repair is highlighted. I find myself with multiple opportunities every day to practice building healthy attachment behaviors in each role I play- with a heavy emphasis on practice! Here are some simple ways to strengthen your skills of building healthy attachments with children and families experiencing foster care, kinship care, or permanency.
Remain Curious: Connect with your inner curiosity when situations arise, and you notice tension or confusion about an interaction with someone else. This includes witnessing big emotions overwhelming little bodies, or when unexpected behaviors show up and your own response can feel disconnected.
Brief moments of wondering to yourself can help you regulate, which helps you to connect more to the needs being expressed in the attachment cycle.
“Where did that reaction come from?”
“What might be underneath the behavior/words/action that I am not seeing?”
It can help to be openly curious with the person in the situation as well.
A simple check-in of
“I wondered if you were feeling _____, can you tell me more?”
“I felt like this when ______, could we talk about that a bit?”
Invites that curiosity needed to help us remain connected.
Prioritize Connection before Correction: Identifying the emotion or experience behind a behavior allows us to consider what type of correction is most helpful for resolving or preventing conflict in the future. Simply aligning yourself with a child and acknowledging their experience allows for an increased capacity to meet both of your needs in the moment. Play, intentional time together, small moments, code words, high fives, or fixing a favorite meal all offer moments of connection. When you realize a disruption has occurred - even a minor one - find a way to repair and reconnect before moving to problem-solving or preventing the issue next time. Repair looks like an apology, a shared moment, an activity, or a conversation about how you can try again a different way.
Connect with You Inside and Out: Using curiosity and connection with yourself consistently helps you to strengthen that muscle for meeting the attachment needs of your child, partner, or other relationships. Practice noticing your responses, identifying your own feelings throughout the day, and identifying your patterns of meeting your own needs builds your confidence for then seeing that cycle of need in others. Small simple practices like 5 minutes of journaling, listening to your favorite song, or making a list of ways to help shift your own mood builds your empathy and connection. Self-compassion leads to compassion for others.
Connect with Community: As I mentioned before, at Foster Village Charlotte, we get it. We see each person in this community and offer ways for every individual to be seen in a way that feels most supportive to them. Through our Trainings & Workshops, our Caregiver Support Groups, or connections made in more individualized support - we invite you to consider ways to connect in with your community.
We see you. You are seen. You are welcome, exactly as you are.
